I went out roaming in streets again tonight from 1000pm till now about 0120am along woodlands road to Kranji... I am depressed and stress as well.. I realised I have separate personalities and maybe going worst in future I not too sure of.
Today we had a big family gathering with my mother's family. I went to West Coast Plaza mall to rent and read manga books over there till 5pm I start to move off to my youngest uncle hse (Granny hse). While walking from the plaza to the hse, it reminds me of the past 2 months which I spend my time visiting my granny and bring her in a wheelchair from the hse to the market and vice versa. Immediately, my eyes have tears. I wipe and just go and meet my family up and tell myself don't think too much.. Granny had gone.
Yes, day time in front of my family member and any people I add normal as I am, but when alone I went crazy.. back to the earlier I had mentioned roaming in streets.. I cry out and calling my granny, telling her I still not able to move on.. because she took care of me when I am young and saw me from baby to adult almost 30s. In my life, I only have one granny who is still alive when I was born and that's she.. but she was gone... I also ask her I crazy... initially had a job offer of 3.5k I rejected... and now when accepting a job which is 3.2k... and so unlucky that got an interview from my dream job and company.. I stupidity call the job agent to see and tell him the truth what happens and see if he can delay my start work or forfeit the job offer as I never signed. I know is a big mistake to tell the truth to the job agent and now I decided don't care bout it... Just go with the work and when I knew the date of the interview just go and take unpaid leave... I did also prepare if they really find fault to me I pay the penalty which is the one month of the salary to the agent. This is what I crying and telling my granny while walking along the street regardless if there is any passerby...
I also tell her, when she around I also very sad and can't face the reality because of her stroke condition. I pray to God please bring her away... I am barely able to look at her eyes directly though I always try to crack jokes to her in front of the family. When God really listen to me and take her away, I am sad as well, my heart and mind still not able to let go and move on still crying...
Don't you think my mental condition has problem while writing this blog my tears still dripping...
If anyone had read it and ask me how am I, I will say I am fine even if I am not... in fact I not sure.
Because I lost my mind... this hour, minute and second, I am different and switching my personalities I may not aware... I thought I will be fine and my mum is worst and need to look after... Didn't expects I am the one who suffered such a great impact...
I don't think you have any mental illness. I believe that you are doing the best that you can in these hard times. Loosing someone is never easy. And everyone grieves differently. I lost my little dog (I treated him like my kid) that was last July and if I don't watch myself and think of him, I usually break down crying. It was and still is hard to accept that he is gone... just like your grandmother. Only time will help heal your wounded heart and acceptance will follow. Big hugs and kisses to you Yann xoxoxo -Christian
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