The end and also the new beginning

What a trip I had for last week, is an unbelievable trip!!
I cant believe it, that I got cheated again!!! The first day of my trip to Sydney, were wonderful and enjoyable. I had a great dinner with my bf and friends while watching the Mardi Gras Parade, then heading on to the Mardi Gras Party. The second day was not too bad, we went to Obeslik Beach for nude sun tanning. Yes, it seems all began so well and fantastic until a dramatic change happened on the third day. My bf and I had discussed about what we looking at for our future. We talked about me coming over with his sponsor so I can save my savings from taking the Master degree and using it to help him pay off his housing loan. At the same time, I can directly look for job and share his financial loads. We also went to talk about taking family photo with each of our family, having a dog to keep, who will in charge of the household and these and that etc. It was so lovely and sweet, I truly believe and looking forward to move over with him. However, that night came by, his Vietnamese ex-bf came knocking our bedroom door and asked him out for a talk. I wondered what took him so long to be back, so when I went near to the bedroom door and overheard some of their conversation. The Vietnamese boy were raising his voice asking him whether if my bf still love him or not and asking him if it is fair to him. I felt something was really wronged, I didn't go out to confront both of them. I chose to wait and my bf came back to the room. I asked him what was happening and there wasn't any needs to hide so my bf told me the truth. The truth was very hurtful and I felt humiliated as well. My bf told me he didn't want to hurt the Vietnamese boy and also didn't want to hurt me. He also told me he and this Vietnamese boy was not over yet! He first thought committed with me for a relationship was just a joke! He didn't realise this thing could be happened, he was in the messed right now and unsure what to do.

If you put yourself as me in that situation I not sure how would you react? This was how I responded to him. I told him definitely someone got to be hurt but bottom line is who you really love and want to be with? He told me he wasn't sure! My head was WTF! "I'M NOT SURE NOW". So after we committed a relationship for a year and he told me he not sure! I felt very disappointed with him. The next moment, he told me that our relationship he thought was a joke! He didn't realise it had gone into so serious. Yes, I have went through many fuck up relationship that at that time, he was joking about us been together will be perfect. After which, I took a month to decide what he said and called him up to say lets try it out since he stated that he was over with this Vietnamese boy! Hey guys, I know I am down at that point, I can accept your pity words to me but I never ask for your pity actions to just been my partner for fun! "TRY IT OUT THIS RELATIONSHIP" doesn't mean that you are allowed to take it as a joke, you still need to commit and responsible to it till you find it doesn't really work out than call it off. However, he did not call it off but seem to take it to another level which I called taking me for granted. My world was in a mess so I told him, it was over and as a friend for 13 years he is really a screw up! How can a friend who know me for so long and know all your past broken relationships did this to me. It was really very terrible and he is the worst bf I ever had. He kept telling me he will not be like Garry or Paul, but ended up he is worst than both of them.
I told him whether he believe in KARMA and told him to track back Garry records after Garry dumped me for that Balinese bf, the Balinese bf dumped him. This is KARMA or retribution, he, Will, will get it soon. I told him I will leave tomorrow and out of his apartment as he had disappointed me and gave me humiliation as once again I lose to the young dependent boy. I really felt that I shouldn't get such a high education and working hard person, I should be like this Vietnamese boy, a pure princess.

The next morning, I called up my ex-bf, Paul, asking him how was he doing and if he seeing anyone otherwise can I stay over. He told me he was very welcoming to visit him and so I bought the flight ticket to Melbourne. Before I leave the apartment and go for my appointment with friends in Sydney before I flew to Melbourne. I prepared the dinner for, Will as I promised to cook fried rice for him before I went out for my friend appointment. So I obliged my promise as I am not like HIM! That's the last thing I had done for him. I just dropped a message and gone. THE END

THE NEW BEGINNING
I arrived Melbourne in the middle of the night 0030hr, Paul was still up and waited for me. He is still as sweet as usual with many honey words. He knew what happened and he also sorry for the disappearance which was why I had dumped him after not knowing where he was for 3 months. It was later on I found out how sad things had happened to him after I asking him about his dad. He told me his dad had passed away last year March, he quitted his job suddenly in Brisbane was to look after his dad for last couple of months before his dad gone. I having a good memory, I recalled back the date he disappeared and appeared again, they were matched. I feel sorry for him and asked him why he didn't tell me about it! He said he wasn't in a right mind as all he cares was about his dad who only told him that he got cancer and was in the last stage. His dad passed away on March 2015, which I have last contacted him to rekindle our relationship but he didn't get back to me after a few replies. In June 2015, he re-appear to me asking me back but I had already committed the relationship with Will. Will also told me not to go back as he is my bf now which I agreed. Then again, in late November 2015, Paul did text me again to get me back after he received the present which I had finally sent it out as I had bought for him in USA while we were still together. I feel that maybe I have been foolish and not choosing the right move in this game called LOVE.

The remaining of 5 days in Melbourne was great, I even caught up with my another ex-bf, James. He is sorry for hearing what Will had done to me. I also met few of Paul's friends in Melbourne and found that Paul is more happier than he is compared to the past when he lived in Brisbane. I also told him that apart of me want to get back with him, a part of me tells me that I am selfish because I got dumped by someone therefore I came back and another part of me is that I should only go for an aussie if that aussie man willing to sponsor me. So with all these messing stuff in my head, I just enjoy the time with Paul and not to think too much till I settle down.

On the other hand, while I was enjoying and relaxing in Melbourne. I also thought that after this bad relationship, maybe it was a sign from god or haven that I shouldn't move to Australia using my savings to go for my Master degree. So I decided and changed of plan, I will go buy a public housing apartment next year when I turn 35yrs old with my retirement fund. As my retirement fund are sufficient to pay off full payment for a 2 room apartment. Then once I got a public housing, I will start looking for private housing with my savings as an investment.

Feelings.... Love... Sex... Attraction... Maybe addiction....

Ok... one is who I broke off 2 years ago and the other is I have broken with him a year ago.
Yet, I still have feelings for both of them when I have a bf now.....
Worse is that I have been also telling my bf that I still have feelings for the them even though I now in love with him. He may not be the idealistic one but he is one that I feel confident and comfortable with and so far there is no drama and in fact better than all my previous bfs.

I think the highly reason is both of us had known each other for quite long (13 years), so we know where are our hot buttons which we should not touch and the boundary we would not cross over.
I have been talking to other men whom I knew from Growlr and Grindr... (Yes, have been naughty a bit and my bf knows, see I am honest!).. and my bad habit has led me to keep telling them my past love stories... LOL... because they keep saying I am good looking, hot, handsome, sexy, etc...  which I tend to get tired of this compliment (inside I'm quite happy so is very contradicting for me) that force me to tell them this "If that so why all my previous bfs dump me" but nevertheless I always happy to hear that they like me pounding hard on them LOL.... (That's really boost my man's ego!!!)

Anyway, I really very glad to have my best friend as my bf. He is really a nice man and understandable person (Also very playful and naughty too). In my opinion, I think he loves me more than I do. A few weeks ago, I did catch up with my old man together with my bf. My bf and my old man are good friends, how I ended up dating with my old man was actually introduced by my bf at that time. I still have strong feelings for my old man but his current state and behaviour have reminded me that he is no longer the same old man I used to be with anymore... so move on and grab hold of your bf. Yet, I still get sexually attracted by this old man, seriously no lied.

Then to make things worse and seem like I dug another shit hole for myself. I finally sent off the gift which my previous bf told me to bought for him when I was in US. I ought to send it to him because I have crafted his name on it. It is a gift for him and so I not going to throw it away. I would want the person to decide whether to keep it or throw it. So a few days ago, he had received it and he texted me and wanted to rekindle our relationship. However, I have bf now so no way I going to dump my bf and being an asshole. Yes, this ex of my is a very sweet man who really know how to sweet talk with me. Of course, he is capable of doing that because we both has the same birthday (Scorpio! same day and month but different year). All the corresponding messages we had, seem like ended up I became an asshole to him and he is the victim. That was what my Growlr friends said to me after I shown all these messages to them. They are a couple by the way, both told me to ignore him which my bf had said the same thing to me during the New Year day when I told him I have sent a Christmas greeting message to my ex. (Sweet man). Arrgh... he really messed up my feelings that day... really....

Now I telling myself to focus on my English test and my own future which is my Master and migrating to Australia. Relationship wise let it flow... I have my good friend as my bf and he is very flexible (that's what he told me yesterday. LOL)... so I should leave that to fate and nature.

Look forward to my India trip in CNY!!!

Christmas is coming again....

Yes, Christmas is coming soon and I treat it as another holiday for resting.
I also have organised a staycation with my Bestie, Stephanie in M hotel for AAR (Annual Action Review) LOL....

Now this is my new song for Christmas;

Lonely Christmas

The christmas tree is up.
And you still never turn up.
The christmas light is on.
And your phone is not on.

Where have you been?
Why there is no call from you?
Walking along the street at night with the christmas light on.

Is lonely.
Looking around the street and seen many couples in this Christmas night.
Is lonely.
Lonely is what I have for my Christmas gift.
Lonely is what my Santa Claus give to me.

On the hand, emotionally for my love life....
Sometime I miss Paul Bruce Sweetness.
Sometime I miss Garry Rogers physical and mating.
Though William Hughes cant be like anyone of them, he is still ok to me because we knows each other well that we able to make each other happy which I find it more important than been sweet and sexually attractive.

Bye. 

OH is 33!!! And Yes a very quiet Birthday this year.

Yup, I'm officially 33 years and 1 day old in 2015 for today.
Guess out of all the scenes and social network, people have forgotten me.
Yeah, really hahaha only received less than 10 greeting messages.
Feel bit weird at first but I guess I will have to slowly get use to it. :)
Got a few good news, I received a conditional offer letter from UTS for my Master in Engineering Management and Master in Business Administrator intake 2017.
Yes, it is one of the option which allow me to move to Australia at least for 2 years and hopefully give me higher chance to apply for permanent resident in Australia after I graduated.
It is an expensive option which will cost me about 100k AUD and no income for my savings.
In other words, is spending season and no incoming savings for me.
Still continue my basic option, however, not sure when I can achieve all 7 for my English test (IELTS)... I nearly wanna give up. I got advice from my love one, Will and my godmother. Their advice is continue to take and give myself a deadline to stop. So the deadline is gonna be April, if April 2016, I still cant achieve that score for all sections. I will stop and pursue for my Master degree.
Now, I am looking at the career prospect for having a Master degree. Although my priority is moving and living in Australia, I guess I need to make use of my Master degree as well as I don't want to waste it.
Look forward to my Year End Vacation with my love and his friends. I also like to see my X-sweetie though I feel bit awkward I guess during the vacation with my love who is his friends. LOL....
(COMPLICATED.... dissolve and simplified it please....) Then the rest is for 2017 my vacation with my Uni's friends and my godmother.

Coming to at end of 2014 soon

Officially turn 32 last week!!! Also end a long distance relationship that kept about a year.
Reason for breaking up? I plan for our future but I dont see there's a plan for our future from him.
So no point for me to make plan and decision for our future by myself without the other party! Is our love life, therefore if I am going to make all the future plan and decision by myself I rather be alone.
I want a lover who can walk with me through life, which means we make plan, decision and execute it togther as a lovel couple. Ermm.. Maybe I too idealistic! Move on please..

Now struggling and been doing an intensive english language exercise to make sure I writing and speaking good english. I had attempted twice IELTS test and overall score is 6.5. I need an overall 7 with all tests at least 6 so that I eligible to score points for my immigration to Australia assessment to apply for migration. My weakest is writing test the rest is ok above 6.5 to 8.

Just when I thought I having a tough time with my love life and moving towards to achieve the place I want to live for my life. Conincidently, my Family issue came along as well. I have a newly born baby niece and not even a year old, she got dumped by her dad who is my brother in law!
Apparently, my brother in law's family prefer a boy due to their stupid and stubborn chinese traditional mind set which should be abolished! First, dislike the baby girl and then find problems with my sister. Eventually, my sister couldnt take it anymore, they ended up file for separation now.
So my sister is back living with us with an additional new member. Now I have my parents, sister and a new born baby to look after one another, but financially they depend more on me.

So should I go ahead for my migration to pursue my life or should I stay back, sacrifice my life to take care them.... How? Why? Should? Shouldnt? All came into my mind.....

HAPPY BELATED NEW YEAR 2014

Well well well... Been away from the social site for long and still keeping in up in shape.
I proud of what I am doing :) Heart is well protected for the time being.
Everything is fine and looks fine so far for 2014.
Any resolution for 2014?
Ermm.. dont dare to put up just make sure I happy and stay happy, to love and beloved.
So my finger is still waiting for the ring to put up, my left hand still wearing the same bracelet.
Bye now

Shock..another got trouble... What am I doing?

Never thought that my friend older Sean, got CANCER!!!
What a surprise news just after my good friend, Will greeting my belated birthday.
Old Sean, is Max's boyfriend. Max is asian Singaporean man in mid 40s and acted like rich man (in my point of view) never like him at all as a person. However, Sean is friend of mine whom I knew 2009, whereby I took up a part time massage business on my own (Need money while study University). From thereon, we become friends rather than clients. We out couple of time, notti couple of times till I cant stand the nonsense that Max had put up (not against me but to others, I got many funny story I heard from friends regards to Max) that cause me better stay away from Max.
I sad that I didnt keep good contact with Sean much due to Max behavior. Feel bit sorry for that and knowing Sean having throat cancer and now undergoing chemotherapy.
The most memorable event Sean and I had was, we were out to Orchard and I make him walk from Orchard to Chinatown and ended in Backstage for drinks. He cursed and swear at me for making him walk that far LOL... I still remember hehehe Yes....Now, I not sure I able to catch up with him, I flying off this saturday to Tokyo due to work. Heard he is in serious condition, I hope I can see him after I come back.

Now I dont know what am I doing? Like the movie "EAT, PRAY, LOVE", I lost myself...
I cant be like Julian Robert character, to be such rich that can go tour by her own.
I not that rich, but I have tendacy to go jumping off from a building like my favourite Hong Kong's actor, Leslie Cheung, who did it. He did it because he lost and I lost as well. Whats my purpose of living in this world? Cant met and be with someone I love, Cant find anyone or things to do to satisfy my empty needs.. so what on earth am I suppose to do?

What am I doing?