At least, I taste of the happiness and got to live the kind
of life I wanted it to be.
Living with a partner, doing things together, sleep
together, we kiss before we step out of the house and kiss before we fall
asleep.
This was a life I never experience before in Singapore.
I’m now sort of getting myself away from my country gay
surrounding and now also social network.
I private all my photos on Facebook and no more uploading of
self-picture this year. I don’t want to
let people seen me.
I actually started to hide, but what am I hiding? I not sure
or am I hiding? Maybe I just want to feel more miserable for myself. Or maybe
just want to protect my heart not to dream.
Ever since I been there frequently, once I back in
Singapore, I feel lonely.
I did meet up with my hang out friends and share my thought
with them.
But they never understand me as they are living with a
normal straight life. I am living my gay life.
Yes, shouldn’t be any different but different is in finding
love.
They told me I happy over there because I was on holiday and
not working. Once you live and work there, you feel the same as like Singapore.
I listen to their comments and give a thought of it, the
answer is no. There’s difference and over there is much better. They never
realise because they had wife and girlfriend now.
After they knock off from work, they got home seeing their
wife or meet up with their girlfriend.
What do I have to meet after work? Friends?
On weekend, we can meet up as group for lunch, dinner and
movie, but back home who can I spend a nice lovely weekend night with alone?
Friends?
Friends can accompany a short while and can’t fill up that
emptied love in my heart.
One or two did even encourage me to find a partner in
Singapore. While I did thought, but I lost touch of doing it and tired of going
through the process again.
Further to that, I had set my mind that most Caucasian men in Singapore I
hook up at the bar are player or work in Singapore for temporary time.
Beside, I not a damn hot sexy man or good heart and personality so I wont able to meet the man I like to fond me in Singapore. (No self Confiendence in other words)
I don’t want player and a temporary partner; I want a
possible life-long partner.
I admit, I sometime a player too but I was never a player to
people I met from overseas.
Not sure why? I always give my full heart to the overseas
date, which somehow both of us knows that it won’t work out for long distance
relationship as we both prefer each other to be in same zone.
I look around my surrounding and start talking to myself and
also to her, my granny.
I got a decent and well pay job, got understanding parents
and siblings, dress well and eat well.
Why am I still not content and happy with it?
There are others who are not happy and problems with their
job, family and etc.
Just because not able to find someone to be with, turn
myself to be so remorse?
I not sure why? But I just know I not happy now and I want
to be happy.
Presently, I am into this man. Yes he is old and we both
know the age gap and the distance gap, thus, we thought remain as friends
better.
However, I can’t control my heart; I release it out to him.
I don’t care much of the age or distance.
I love him that’s what I need him to know, I don’t expect
any return. He ask me go build my own life.
I will listen to him and build my life. However, I will still
come visit him and spent time with him, whenever I can as long as I still love
him.
Sometime, I feel worried and jealous of him meeting someone
and I keep talking to myself, there’s nothing official between both of you.
So we both had right to see someone else.
As time goes by, I will feel and get better and maybe
another better man come into my life and I may stop loving him and go to this
new man.
I not sure but just do what I think is good for me.
Life is short, treasure all happy moments you can.
